The Johnson Family

Toddler's Nose

2011-12-28T13:52:00.002-07:00

NOTE*** This was supposed to be published back in September. Apparantly, I only saved it without publishing, so I got two posts in before the new year.

Due to recent events, I have come to the conclusion that there shoud be a condition known as Toddler's nose. My three-year-old has been doing this thing lately where she plugs her nose when she talks because she thinks it sounds funny. I find it kind of amuzing myself, so when I hear her voice go weird, I don't really pay any attention to it.
The past week or so, I noticed her voice resonated the sound from a nose plug was not an occasional occurance, but rather a constant norm. As I was changing her diaper the other night, I noticed something in her nostril, so I grabbed some tweezers to pull it out.
Turns out, she has been shoving toilet paper up her nose, and there was quite a bit of it lodged up there. It had apparantly been there for quite some time because the t.p. was so saturated with snot that I couldn't pull it out with out it breaking into smaller pieces.
There's not too much more to this story, but just writing this is making me gag uncontrollably, so I'm going to stop here.

Poop Story

2011-12-28T13:50:00.001-07:00

Though I am utterly repulsed by public restrooms, I use them daily at work. Yesterday was no exception. I was working yesterday, when it was time to take my daily deuce. So, I walked across to the other side of the building, took care of business and came back to my desk and sat down. Normally this would have been the end of the story.

However, upon sitting down, I heard a crumpling noise. I turned around to check out my arse, and found that the toilet condom (the tissue paper that you line the seat with), had stuck to me and was flailing out my pants like a beaver's tail.

My only saving grace is that, due to the holiday, there was hardly anyone working, and only 3-4 people at the most would have seen it. If they did, though, they were NOT kind enough to tell me, and let me continue on my way down the road of public humiliation.

Biking is Dangerous

2011-05-26T10:29:00.001-06:00

I don't remember the last time I did two posts on consecutive days, so this is a little out of the norm for me.

A while back, I was training for a triathlon and had this little incident occur. Well, I am training for another triathlon, and went for a little bike ride last night. I was riding at a casual pace down by Riverton when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a small object zipping towards me and nailed me just below the throat. It hit me pretty good and I felt it drop into my shirt. I assumed it was a small pebble that had been dislodged by a passing car. However, I soon felt an intense stinging sensation on my chest. I immediately grabbed my shirt at the location of the sting, and felt a little crunch between my fingers. By this time I had stopped riding, and shook the object out of my shirt. Sho'nuf, it was a bee and I was stung.

I wasn't sure what to do since I was several miles from home. Then, I remember that my wife's sweet cousin (I'll call her Deb) lives pretty close to where I was at. I wasn't sure if she'd be home, but I figured it was my best shot. Luckily, I caught her just before she was going to leave. I got a few ice cubes and went into the bathroom. It's probably good that my chin blocked my view of the bee sting earlier because I had a big-old red spot on my chest. If I'd have seen this on the street, I would have freaked out. I put the ice on the area and the stinger came out just enough so that I could remove it with my fingers.

Maybe this is a sign that I should stay away from triathlons in general; and, specifically, avoid biking...

Revenge of the Jes'Syth'

2011-05-25T14:22:00.000-06:00

Unbeknownst to me until now, my blog has been slowly transforming into a foodie blog. Ew. I must rise above the ashes and avoid this trap. Sure, I'll still post the occasional recipe here or Creature from the Burrito chapter there, but I need to get back to the basics. That being said, this post is about food - sorry.

In one of my previous posts, I'm pretty sure that I wrote about how I was eating breakfast at work to save time in the mornings. Well, as you may have guessed, I did not like the granola crap I tried, so I was doing the instant cream of wheat thing for a while. I got creamed out, so for the past couple of weeks I've been doing cereal - Corn Pops to be precise. GOTTA HAVE MY POPS!

Well, there is an office fridge on our floor, and in an effort to be considerate of space limitations, I will typically buy a pint of milk at the beginning of the week, which will last me a few bowls of cereal. That way I'm not a fridge hog by leaving a gallon in there. Two days ago, I was arriving at work and put my lunch for the day in the fridge. As I entered the breakroom, I noticed a guy from a different division putting some milk in his coffee mug. My initial thought was "Hey, that looks like my milk! No, he wouldn't be that rude to use someone else's milk..." Sure enough, it was my milk.

As I got to my desk, fuming mad (by the time I realized it was mine, he had already left the room), I told my coworkers what happpened. Almost all of them asked me if my name was on the container. Apparantly, there is an unspoken rule in this building that if food is not labeled as belonging to someone, it is fair game.
I decided if people are going to do that, they are using food at their own risk. There was still ample milk left, so I rationalized that the perpetrator would likely be a repeat offender. Plus, if he did it, who knows if there are others that will use my milk as well.

Fortunately for me, I have a habbit of collecting condiments from food joints like ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, etc. As a perused my condiment collection, I grew frustrated because all my stuff would alter the appearance of the milk. At last, I found a salt packet. In went the salt, and my milk was discretely returned to its spot in the fridge.

I was practically giddy the next morning (yesterday) when I checked the milk status - more milk had been used since the salting. I only wish I could have seen the reaction that happened when the criminal had some salted coffee. Actually, enough milk was gone to lead me to believe that more than one person was privy to my special treat.

That made my day; nay, week.

PS - I have been known to post fake links in the past, but the three links are legit in this post.

Uber-dee-dooper Tastey and Easy Brownies.

2011-04-28T22:20:00.001-06:00

If any of you have wondered how to make brownies with only 4 ingredients (5 if you count the non-stick cooking spray), I have found the solution. Simply take a little bit of water and vegetable oil, along with 2 or three eggs, then mix in a box of your favorite brownie mix. Yes folks, it's just that easy. As a kicker, the brownie box even has the portion sizing for the other three ingredients.
Once the goop has been stirred 50 times with a wooden spoon (I usually do 53 or 54 stirs for good measure), simply put the mixture into a baking pan and bake for 30 minutes or so.

It can't get any easier than this.

Hijacking - It Can Happen To You

2011-04-07T19:31:00.000-06:00

I am about to blog about something serious - hijacking. I, whilst living in my naive world, was oblivious to the fact that I could have something hijacked. Until recently, that is - when our camera was hijacked. Want proof? Here you go:

Who could have done such a thing?

Bear Naked Granola - A Couch Potato's Review

2011-03-29T11:08:00.001-06:00

Forgive me if this post strays from topic a bit, but there is something I need to say - even if it means I'm blambling. (Yes I just combined blog with rambling to come up with a new word). Some of you have read and / or heard about my triathlon "experience." If you have not, you can read about it here. Well, believe it or not, I have been coerced into doing another one this summer. I am scared spitless about doing it, and have been thinking about training (which is about on par with my training last summer). I've actually been doing some blosearch (blog / research) to find some fitness training programs to get me ready. One of the most common things I've blead (blog / read) is that a good diet is quasi-important.

One of my biggest weaknesses is fast food. Even though I am sick of it, I eat it all the time for lunch. Add that to the fact that I usually oversleep and frequently skip breakfast to get to work, my nutritional intake is in need of an overhaul. The other day I was at the local grocer, and decided I'd try getting some breakfast food to keep at work so that I don't have to worry about eating before I leave. As I was walking down the breakfast aisle, I picked up some Instant Cream of Wheat (TM) and noticed a section of "healthy" foods. I saw roughly two, five-foot shelves with this granola cereal, and decided to take a closer look.

*Blashback (blog / flashback) to my early teenage years. While hanging out at my friend's house one day, we got kind of hungry. He said we could have some chocolate granola cereal. I probably acted like he was a loon, but he convinced me it was pretty good stuff. If my memory serves correctly, it was homemade granola, and they had a five-gallon bucket of it. We poured ourselves each a bowl, and I loved it.

*Blashforward (do I need to explain this anymore?) to present time. I periodically will try a different granola cereal in hopes that I will find that great taste that I had so many years ago. I don't do it very often because the stuff in the stores usually doesn't taste good and it's more expensive than Lucky Charms.

Well, this granola caught my eye for three reasons: 1- it was on sale; b) they had chocolate flavor; and 4 - I had heard rave reviews about this brand in my blosearch. I decided to try the vanilla almond and chocolate flavors.

Let me tell you, they taste aweful - especially the chocolate. I was confused. Several blogs had nothing but great things to say about the stuff, yet I'm nearly gagging just blinking (blog / thinking - I think you're catching on now) about it.

Actually, it's not THAT bad, but I can think of several things I'd rather eat than this stuff.
So, I decided to go back to those blogs to see what I'm missing. A few things come to mind. First these bloggers are food/fitness bloggers and these types of companies will send them free samples to try and review. If they're getting free food, of course they're going to write good things about it - that's just the world we live in. Second, instead of eating it like a bowl of cereal as it's designed, they mix it with yogurt and all sorts of fruit. This does two things: minimizes the amount of granola they have to eat and uses other foods to mask the taste.
This gave me an idea: SUGAR. What did I do as a kid when my cereal choices were cherios, wheaties or grape nuts? I put sugar on it. Also, instead of eating each granola individually, I decided to mix the two flavors to see if they would neutralize each other. The combination of the two flavors and the sugar made the stuff edible.
Fortunately, thanks to my ingenious ideas, I think I am getting my money's worth. But this leads me to question the whole "healthy" foods schpiel. Why not just add a little more sugar, spice and all things nice, and make the stuff yummy to begin with?
By the way, I'm sorry if you fell for my fake link again. You can really see the triathlon catastraphe here.
Finally, this post has officially created several new words: blambing, blosearch, blead, blashback, blashforward, and blinking. I know blinking is already a word, but I redefined it. Don't blag (blog / gag - yet another blord (blog / word)), I know you all are jealous you didn't think of this first. I am on a bloll!
Peace Holla!

R.I.P.

2011-03-21T11:28:00.001-06:00

“Bishop” Michael Roberto Mildenhall - loving husband, father, and brother in faith will pass on this Sunday, March 27, after succumbing to fulfillment of his calling. Bishop was born April 3, 1976, although some say he was re-born with the formation of the 6^th ward, circa spring 2006. He attended Granger High School, if that gives any clue as to what type of person he was. His love for all was never more evident when he cheered his “professed” favorite college team, byu (yes it doesn’t even deserve to be capitalized). A non-conformist from an early age, Bishop was secretly a Utah State Aggie fan and would do anything to mask his fondness for his beloved Aggies – just to maintain his image as Bishop. Whether it be violently shoving one of his closest friends (who is an avid Aggie fan, mind you) prior to a basketball game so hard that it knocked him over and split open his chin, or his mockery of Wild Bill, many people outside his inner circle would think he was repulsed by the Aggies. However, upon closer inspection, why would a cougar fan have the ward’s first young men’s presidency entirely composed of Aggies? Plus, the president of this presidency, who also happens to be his basketball victim, would later become his counselor in the bishopric. In a desperate attempt to prevent any misconception, he stooped to an all-time-low by calling a Wyoming Cowboy as his other counselor. In all actuality, though, all one needed to do was peek inside his office and see the walls plastered with photos of Wild Bill to know of his love for quality sports.

Bishop was always the hippest, the coolest, and the one who didn't fit any regular pigeon-hole. He was a hard man to figure out. He’d nearly faint at the mere mention of blood, yet there was no hesitation in him when it came to gutting fish at scout camp for the young men he so dutifully served. He claimed to be able to catch fish at Scout Lake with the best of ‘em, and after a few hours of fishing he once came back with 5 or 6 fish. Even though no one was there to witness it, he said he caught them himself; however, reports at the end of camp stated that a tall man with impeccably parted hair and a byu shirt was stealing fish from other scout troops… He was able to find a comfort zone in most any group or environment, except for grassy meadows on a pioneer trek. Knowing full well of his allergies, his attempt at completing the pioneer trek showed truly how great of a man was in our midst. After one night of misery, he was spotted the second morning rubbing grass in his eyes and mouth to enhance his symptoms and was able to leave early – this is just one sample of how desperate he could become.

He was a simple man, with simple pleasures. On clear days in winter he would search the skies looking for dragons. In contrast, on a hot day in the summer, he would be content chasing down cars and throwing water bottles at them. He was an accomplished make-up artist and poet. He was good at it, but that didn't mean he wanted to do much of it. He had other affairs to tend to, such as writing songs and music. Bishop's passing to a rising full moon has left many relatives and friends at a loss. However, if people want to find him, it is said that on the night of a full moon he can be found riding a famous bull in Logan, UT. He is survived by his two sons and two daughters, Jimmer, Jimmero, Jimmerrette, and Jimmetta; wife, Joni; numerous relatives; and countless, thankful ward members who will always remember and appreciate the love and devotion he spent towards them. Thank you all for being a part of Bishop's life. He loved all of you so much. There will be a celebration in his basement Saturday March 26, at the time of the Butler / byu basketball game. Hope you can all make it!

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T16:19:00.001-07:00

Happy New Year everyone. This year was filled with significant events, yet none so significant perhaps as the fact that I participated in No-shave November. Actually, I don't know if participate is the right word because in my mind participate involves more than one person. Sure, there were likely countless others who participated in No-shave November besides me, but I wasn't directly involved with their "contest."
The significance in going a whole month without shaving my beard is that, although I look ruggedly handsome with a beard, I cannot stand it when my facial hair starts to itch, and this usually happens by about week two of a beard growing cycle. It gets so itchy that I'm constantly scratching my cheeks.
However, I finally did it, and much to my dismay, the itchiness never went away. So I shaved some handsome handlebars, but they weren't so handsome after I realized they weren't symmetrical, so I opted to sport the stache for the better part of a week and a half.
Here is the cycle:
Beard

'Bars

Stache

The real significance of making it through No-Shave November is because only someone manly enough to grow a beard can handle a sandwich like this - mmmmmmmmmmmm.

Mustache

2010-12-07T08:02:00.001-07:00

Sorry that two consecutive posts are videos, but my next post will shed some light as to why I posted this. For a hint, I may or may not currently be sporting a mustache.

Crossfire

2010-11-08T10:05:00.003-07:00

So, this is one of my favorite songs right now. I recently came across the music video for it, and found it quite funny. If any of you know of a better way than smiling awkwardly at someone as a way of saying thanks for being rescued from a bunch of ninjas, please let me know (watch the 1:27 mark and you'll know what I'm talking about). The director / performer sure know how to capture the essence of a hostage rescue.

Recipe for Disaster. Part Deux

2010-10-26T21:41:00.000-06:00

Back in the early spring, as I was preparing for an exam, I came up with a delicious recipe for chicken and asparagus. If you're interested, you can click here. Just kidding, but if you're still interested, you can really click here. I don't know why, but it seems that intellectual stimulation gets my creative culinary juices flowing, for I have come up with a new recipe - Chiggs (short for chili and eggs).

I start off with a medium sized pan and browning a Tbsp of chopped yellow onion and one clove of garlic in oil. I then scramble four (4) eggs in this nasal masterpiece. Notice how the eggs are spread around the perimeter with an opening in the nucleus - this comes into play shortly.

I then dice up three cherry tomatoes (mini tomatoes to the lay person), and douse with salt and pepper.

The chopped tomatoes then are gently placed into the nucleus of scrambled eggs as shown above.

The entire ensemble is then completed with a dollop of cream cheese and warmed until the cheese is melted.

The eggs are then placed in a bowl and topped with 3/4 cup of chili and two slices of toast. Depending on how I feel, I just might post my magical chili recipe in a following post. I don't know why, but my display of food looks eerily similar to a clown face.

Enjoy.

Actually, chili and eggs don't go so well together, digestively that is. I happened to make this a couple of hours before church on Sunday; and, dare I say, my stomach was a little bit frothy.

Finally, my next post just might include a little something on men's hairstyles.

I tri'd it, and I liked it (kind of)

2010-09-29T14:06:00.000-06:00

So, I guess I'll start off by introducing myself. I'm Jesse. It's been a while since I've blogged, and feel it's high time for an update. We'll start off with the event of the summer - the Bountiful Triathlon. It's a pretty prestigious event, and I'm sure most of you have heard about it. The following is a perfect regime on how to barely finish a triathlon sprint with one of the slowest times.

It all started several months ago when my sweet, sweet brother-in-law convinced me that I should sign up with him and do the triathlon. Another brother-in-law (names withheld in both cases for privacy reasons) said he'd do it too. The triathlon is a sprint, so the distances are relatively short and the best racers complete the event in a little over an hour. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to try to get into shape, so I agreed to do it. The next item on the agenda was to start training.  Since the event has three parts (hence TRI-athlon), I'll break this into three parts as well.

Swimming - I've never been the best of swimmers, so I figured that swimming is what I shoud work on the most. *Holy cow, not to change the subject, but I just found out what smells worse than burnt popcorn - burnt kettle corn. Ew, someone in this building made a huge boo-boo and it's going to stink the rest of the day. Wonderful.  I'd like to continue writing this post, but the smell is too overwhelming; plus, I shouldn't be wasting work time on the blog. On the other hand, if someone is inconsiderate enough to burn kettle corn, I think I deserve a little chance to blog.*
Now, back to the subject at hand: swimming. My family has had a pass to a local rec. center for several years now, so I thought I would take advantage of my pass and swim in the mornings before work.  I decided to start swimming twice a week. This was about two or three months before the tri, so I figured it was as good of time as any to start swimming. The first day, I think I swam two whole, entire laps and was completely exhausted.  Many of you might think that would cause me to quit.  I decided to give it another chance, and the next day, I swam the 7 laps (350 m) - which is the distance in the triathlon. Keep in mind, mind you, that I did not swim the entire distance without stopping. No, after every lap (or 1/2 lap for that matter), I had to stop for a bit and catch my breath.  After a few weeks of training I had to travel for work, went on vacation, then went to scout camp. Needless to say, I didn't swim for about three weeks. After I got back, I went swimming one morning and was able to swim the entire distance in under 10 minutes, which was on par with the top swimmers from last year. Unfortunately, I didn't build on this momentum, but let my confidence sway me to not swim anymore and focus on the other two events.

Biking: I have an old mountain bike that sat in my basement for the better part of four years, and fixed it up so that it was in riding shape. We also bought a bike trailer to haul the kids around. My theory was that if I ride my bike pulling the kids, when I raced, I'd be 100 pounds lighter and zip through it. I think I rode the bike 3 or 6 times before the race. The highlight of the bike training was when I was trying to make it fun for the kids by going fast down a moderately busy road in our neighborhood. A quick synopsis: the clamp came of my bike as did the safety strap, all while I was gaining speed down the hill. I looked back to see the kids rolling down the road behind me, with the trailer clamp sparking as it scraped along the ground. Fortunately, there were no cars at the time, and the trailer quickly stopped rolling thanks to my new friend, friction. I don't know who was more scared, me or the kids.

Once again, thanks to the wondrous internet, I was able to find a picture that accurately illustrates what happend.

#3) Running. This is short because I didn't run. I figured that since I played basketball once or twice a week, and that it was only a 5k run, I'd be good.

Training summary - some swimming, even less biking, and a little bit of basketball.

Day of the event. The Bountiful Triathlon is a little unique in that it is reverse order: run, bike swim. My theory is that because the swim is in a pool, they have the swim last to prevent over-crowding. This turned out to doom me, as I will soon point out.

First up was the run. As soon as the gun fired we were off. I kept up with the leaders for about 20 yards then slowly started to fall back. By the time we were out of the parking lot, my thighs were burning, and I wanted to quit. Apparantly, running back and forth with frequent stops for offensive and defensive plays on a basketball court does not translate to distance running. However, I was determined not to fail. I figured the biking and swimming would be much easier than the run, so I kept going.

Bike. Earlier, I mentioned that I had a mountiain bike. Mountain bikes are great for riding - on dirt roads in the MoUnTaInS. Thanks to a police radar cart, I was able to verify quite accurately that riding a mountain bike allowed me to reach a top speed of about 16 mph, where the road bikers were easily 20-22 mph. Needless to say, by the time I finished the bike, combined with my slow run, I was near the back of the pack. Say what you will, I am chalking the bike failure was due to equipment rather than lack of training.

Swim. As I neared the rec. center, I thought "At least I can do the swim in a decent amount of time." Boy was I wrong. My state of couch-potatoness had my legs in such a jelly state that I could barely waddle from the parking lot to the pool. I swam the first lap fairly well, then realized that I was utterly and completely exhausted. I ended up doing the backstroke for probably 85% of the swim. However, I finished, and there's plenty to be said about that. I think I've taken enough of your time for one day, let's hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Beavers, Otters and Moosen

2010-05-20T09:28:00.004-06:00

Before I start, let me tell you it's been approximately 9 1/2 hours since I deleted my facebook account, and I feel great. Due to my liberation from the vices of facebook, I have decided to reinstate Don't Stop Believin' by Petra Harden as the only song on this blog. Happy times.

Now, I usually don't get too personal on this blog, but I had the most unusual dream/nightmare last night. It's been so long since I've had a nightmare that I just had to share it. It's already starting to get foggy, so I'm writting this down while somewhat fresh in my mind.

First, I was a beaver living in a river in the middle of winter. I was splashing around with my friend, the otter. For some reason, my otter-friend offended a moose. Apparantly, the moose thought I was involved in the offense, so it started chasing the both of us. Unfortunately, my swimming abilities as a beaver were inferior to my companion's. There's the old saying that if you're in a group being chased by a bear, you only have to be faster than the slowest person. This rule-of-thumb applied here, unfortunately for me, and I was soon overtaken by the moose.

As the moose started goring me (beaver), I was suddenly transported out of the beaver's body and was now my human self standing atop the steep bank near the river watching the moose gore the beaver. The moose suddenly looked up and spotted me and began to make it's way up the bank to confront me. As the moose made it to the top, I slid down the bank into the river to create some space between us.

The next thing I new, the moose was standing right above me on the top of the bank, only now there was a mysterious door that appeared no more than five feet from me. I knew all I had to do was get inside that door, and I'd be safe. But, like George Constanza trying to ask for more bread from the soup nazi, I failed and the moose pounced on me and flung me with its antlers.

Cue the wake up and the nightmare is over.

Recipe for disaster

2010-04-13T14:49:00.002-06:00

Hello? Is anybody out there? I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore since I have not posted anything for the lesser part of 5 months. Believe me, I've wanted to blog. Oh, how I've wanted to blog. Unfortunately, I've been preparing to take a test so that I can get my engineering license. The stress of this test has taken my best and I'll leave you to the rest. Ibig sabihin: My berain is so fried from all my "studying", that I cannot muster the berain power to blog.
With that in mind, I came up with a tastey recipe for some brain food last night as I was getting ready to study. Since a lot of people blog about recipes, I thought I'd join in the fun (even though I was actually a recipe trailblazer a while back already). With that, I give you: "Chicken and Asparagus: Tin-Foil Dinner Style"

Ingredients: Chicken, Asparagus, 1 TBSP Butter, 1 Clove Garlic, Celery Salt, Pepper and Chef Tony's (best seasoning in the world). Wrap everything in foil and bake at 400 degrees Farenheit for 30-35 minutes until chicken is done. Enjoy.

Actually, something is missing. WAIT! I've got it! (scroll down please)
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Potato chips and a pitcher of o.j. complete the ensemble. MMM, MMM, delicious.

Merry Thanksgivoween

2009-11-20T12:57:00.004-07:00

Just thought I'd post a few pictures of our halloween costumes. FYI - Sammy was a dinosaur, not a dragon. Also, I couldn't find a picture of Krista, but she makes one hot pirate!

Who needs an ankle?

2009-11-20T12:41:00.003-07:00

I have been lazy, I know. It's not that I haven't thought about you all, but I just haven't felt like writing lately. So, in an attempt to reconcile with you all, I just may post a few things today as a symbol of my pentance. Just thought I'd update you all on a little incident involving my ankle. Up until about two months ago, I played basketball every Thursday night with guys in my neighborhood at the local house of worship. It's my one chance to get a little exercise in for the week.
My last day of basketball took place two months, two days and fifteen hours ago - give or take a few minutes. Relatively early on in evening, I spotted up for a three. The leather sphere was cusped in my hands. I elevated off the ground as I genlty escorted the ball up my torso, past my head, extended and released it towards the basket. Unfortunately, I never saw if it went in through the hoop - although it's highly unlikely that I missed, since I rarely do. As gravity did what it always does to me when I elevate, I returned to the floor - feet first. What I didn't realize though, was that my defender had encroached upon my person, and his foot was directly under mine own foot as I landed.
The next thing I knew I was on the ground. It's hard to describe the feeling I had, but the best words I can think of are excruciating pain and numbness at the same time. I looked down at my foot, and saw that the bottom of my foot was no longer AT the bottom of my foot, but rather the side of my foot. Yes folks, I dislocated my foot. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I didn't know what to do, because I obviously couldn't walk, but I had to do something.
Someone there "offered" to put my foot back in place, but I had hesitations initially because I'd heard that you can permanently damage stuff if it is done wrong. I eventually gave in, and as "Dr." Loosli mildly pulled my foot, it slid back into place.
It's been over two months now, as I stated earlier, and my foot is still swollen and I can't run on it yet. Anyway, I found a picture (it is amazing how I can find all these pictures on the internet) that shows what a normal foot looks like compared to what my foot looked like when it was dislocated.
Enjoy.

Is it meant to be or not to be? (pt. 2)

2009-09-24T17:38:00.003-06:00

Back to the original reason I started posting. In a few weeks, I have a business trip scheduled, where I get to go to Denver for a few days. When I realized I was going on a Monday, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be great if the Broncos had a Monday night game scheduled for that day?" I knew the odds were slim to none, but I figured I'd better check anyway. I almost jumped out of my seat when I saw that the Broncos actually do have a MNF game the same night I'm in Denver. The key word in the previous sentence is almost - as I was about to jump, I noticed that the game is on the road. Darn!
So then I started thinking about how I've never been to a MLB game, either. Well, currently the Rockies are in position to win the Wild Card spot. Round 1 of the NL playoffs ends about a week before I'm in Colorado. Ibig sabihin, if the Rockies hold true to their form, AND get through to the second round, I could be in Denver for a NLCS game (National League Championship Series - for the Laman)!
QUESTION: How awesome would that be?
ANSWER: Freakin' awesome!

p.s. - I know it's layman and not Laman, but growing up, I always thought it was Laman because I'm a naive mormon.

Is it meant to be or not to be?

2009-09-24T17:29:00.002-06:00

Before I get started, let me tell you about a little discovery I happened to discover. Apparently, if you hit “enter” after typing in a title for your new post, it automatically publishes the post, even if you don’t have anything written for your post.

Which brings me to a question: What type of person are you?

-The type that writes a post, then tries to come up with a clever title to match what you’ve just written?

-The type that has an idea about a post, and is instantly inspired with a witty title?

-The type that doesn’t care enough to bother evaluating my question?

CHECK THIS OUT

2009-09-18T13:47:00.002-06:00

An Ultimate Catch in Ultimate Frisbee

2009-07-28T21:33:00.006-06:00

About a year ago, I published a post summarizing a home-run I hit during a company softball tournament. I experienced a crossroads of feelings about that post because I didn't want to come across too cocky, but I was uber impressed that I was actually able to knock one out. Well, I've come to another crossroads of sorts once again today while playing ultimate frisbee.

There's a group of people that play frisbee once or twice a week during our lunch break at work. I don't play too often with them because I'd rather play basketball during lunch. Today was an exception. I hadn't played in a while, but the urge hit me like Soda Popinski, so I decided to join them. These guys play quite often and are pretty good, so I feel like the kid who gets picked last when I play with them.

I hadn't been playing too well today, but that was all about to change. We were on defense, and the other team was advancing down the field. I was playing up on the offense when they threw it down field. I saw my teammate encroach upon the disc, and knew there was going to be a turnover. I bolted down field, so that I could be in position for a long bomb or hail-mary of sorts. As soon as my teammate (name withheld) picked up the disc, our eyes met and I knew he was going to launch it down towards me.

Although it was a little high, it was a beautifully thrown frisbee. I quickly realized that I needed to slow down so that I wouldn't outrun the toss. Unfortunately, the disc's slight floatation enabled the opposing defender to catch up to me and battle for position. The defender was shorter than I, so I thought I should be able to out jump him, even though he was all over me. As the disc approached, I leaped into the air to retrieve it. Unfortunately, at the same time a thought entered my mind, "You'be been playing like crap today, Mr. Jesse, so you'd better not mess this up."

A loud groan escaped my lips as the frisbee bounced off the palm of my hand, "Noooo!!!" As I was putting my hands in front of my face displaying my shame, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the frisbee was falling down right in front of me.

I don't know if it was a stroke of genius, pure instinct, or the divine kinship of athleticism, but I somehow managed to kick the frisbee with my shoe. I didn't kick it very hard, but it was hard enough that it gave me enough time to swoop down and grab it. It was an amazing turn of events. Unfortunately, I wasn't in the end-zone when i caught it, and we ended up turning the frisbee over before we could score. Eventually we ended up losing. But hey, at least I made the catch of the day.

Here's a cartoon I "found" that perfectly illustrates my catch. I need to find out who the artist is...

Results Show

2009-07-25T16:39:00.009-06:00

So, it's been a while since I last posted. I'm not sure what the deal is, but I just feel there hasn't been anything post-worthy. Until today, that is. I feel my last post has left most of you, the people, on edge to see what'd happed to the 2-in-1 bird's nest / barbecue. I also have an inkling that you'd like to know how the fence turned out.

Some of you may have cheated and already seen the pictures I included with this post. So, before I get any further, I'd like to clarify that no animals were harmed as a result of my birdiecue. Yes, that's right folks, I have dubbed my barbecue a birdiecue. Not sure why, but it just sounded clever I guess.

As for the fence configuration (and by configuration, I mean layout)... Just kidding, I won't get into that again. Anyway, the majority seemed to be in favor of me doing a high fence on top of the retaining wall. I, however, have never been one to follow the crowd, but rather prefer blazing my own trail(s). So, I did the shortened fence over the wall, and I think it looks rather splendid. One thing I did learn from this experience was that I never want to build another fence again - and I'll leave it at that.

Here's a reminder of my sketch I threw together to compare the two options. After seeing the actual photo, I am more motivated than ever to take up graphic design.

This last picture is for sean so he can have a reminder of how awesome my beard was while it lasted. It's also to show sammy chillin' in the pool.

Sammy's newest pet, Snaily Snail Sam, would like to thank you for your patronage.

Animal House

2009-06-03T21:58:00.003-06:00

Whatever you want to call it, our home has turned into some sort of quasi-wildlife refuge / petting zoo / animal habitat. Let's start with the surprise under door #1:

From the looks of this picture, it appears that we have a somewhat-weathered but otherwise normal grill. The only thing out of the ordinary could be the dried grassy materials coming out from under the lid. But that very thing is what leads us to examine the situation a little further.

Viola, under the lid is a full-blown bird's nest. As you may guess, we haven't grilled for a while. About a month ago, I noticed the nest, but - in my laziness - did nothing.

My laziness proved to be the demise of my grill. As seen in the photo below, a closer view shows there may be something more to this nest than just a few feathers and dried vegetation. A prize goes to the first person to guess what could possibly be more than meets the eye in this nest.

If you guessed five bird eggs, then you are a winner.
DISCLAIMER: Prize(s) is/are subject to availability. Correct answer does not guarantee prize.

Next on the agenda is the reptilian enounter. The other day, some neighbor's came over so their daughter could get her haircut. When I answered the door, they told me to check outside by my car (which was parked in the driveway). I looked out and saw what I thought was a toy snake pooping (I mean popping) its head out through the front wheel. Turns out it was real, and ended up hiding in my garage for a couple of hours until I caught it off-guard when I took some garbage out. It was chillin in the stroller when I surprised it. I quickly grabbed some gloves and chased it through the garage before cornering and catching the little rascal.

I had an epiphany of sorts at that very moment. For in all my recollection, I don't believe I have ever come across a "wild" snake that wasn't behind glass. My epiphany was that I am scarred of snakes. I thought it was a garter snake (commonly referred as a garden snake), but after further research I believe it is a yellow-bellied racer snake. The racers are known to be fast, agressive, and good climbers -all of which was evidenced by me when I was trying to catch the buggar. They are also known to emit a stinky substance out the anus when captured (also evidenced by me). Luckily I dropped the darned thing when it tried to poop on me, so I didn't get slimed on. Trying to recatch it was even harder. Lucky for me, though, my adrenaline was pumping, and I was able to secure the culprit. Long story short, I shoved the thing in a cooler, drove to nearby canal and let it loose. The pictures are a little obscure because I was trying to do a self-portrait with the snake and myself, but it proved to be a little more difficult than I thought (largely due to my fear of snakes epiphany).

Snakey Snake would like to thank all those who viewed this post.

Yote: Vour Opinion Matters

2009-05-28T13:37:00.006-06:00

First off, there's no need to vote on the current song - I already know it's amazing. Make sure you listen to the whole thing, though, it only gets better as it goes. When the vocalist starts a speaking the words instead of singing them, I laugh my head off everytime I listen to it. Then, when you think it can't get anymore bizarre, it does.

Now to the subject of this post. We (and by we, I mean I) are in the process of building a fence to finish our yard. This will also allow us to send the kids outside without having to worry about them running off somewhere. I (and by I, I mean we) am faced with a dilema on how to configure the fence around our retaining wall. The photo (and by photo, I mean amazing artwork) below shows the two options we are considering.

On the left, you'll notice that the fence just goes straight across. Our retaining wall is about 3.642 feet high, so we'd have approximately 2.358 feet of fence above the wall. It's a little short, but I think it would do the job. I do have concerns, though, because our neighbors have a large dog. If it were to climb on their retaining wall, it could easily step over the shortened fence. However, our neighbors are renters, and they could be moving soon. Also, the owner has not done a fence on the other side of his property, so it could be quite a while (if ever) before our neighbors would let an unleashed dog in their backyard.

On the right (and by right, I mean the right side of the photo (and by photo, see reference to photo above)), we have a full six feet of fence on top of the retaining wall. In order to avoid a less-than-asethetically-pleasing transition to the lower fence, I am thinking about angling the panels as shown. Our neighbors did the same thing and it turned out nice. The thing is (and by thing, I mean problem) that our neighbors had their fence professionally installed. While I don't like to boast of my abilities (see my post titled "Just Call Me Mr. Simpson" from June, 2008), I think I could do a decent job at replicating my neighbors - it will just be harder than dried snot.

Please send me your opinions in the comment section on which would work. I know you will have no trouble at all in envisioning our backyard.

Also, I am considering doing some graphic design on the side. I will do free estimates. Contact me anytime for a quote.

Finally, I have listened to Don't Stop Believin' five + times since I started writing this post.

THE NEXT GREAT DEBATE

2009-05-19T10:55:00.002-06:00

I read about a little issue involving the Denver Thuggets - I mean Nuggets – and the playoff schedule. Apparently, Game 4 of the Lakers-Nuggets series is scheduled for next Monday. Problem is, last August, WWE scheduled an event for the very same night. The “wrestling” match date was re-confirmed as recently as March, and tickets went on sale a month ago.

Nugget officials are stating the game will be played as scheduled, but nothing has been resolved as to when and if the WWE event will be rescheduled. Vince McMahon stated that WWE has already sold over 10,000 tickets for the event, and plans on selling out. He added fire to the pot by saying that because the event was scheduled for this time of year, the Nuggets owner didn’t have enough faith that his team would still be playing this late in May. Given the Nuggets's playoff record in recent seasons, plus the fact that The Answer was definately not the answer for team sucess, the outlook on this season wasn't too bright pre-Billups.

My thoughts are: the NBA knew the Pepsi Center was being used that night, and scheduled game 4 regardless; so the Nuggets and the NBA should be scrambling to see if a local college (or high school for that matter) court is available (meaning that no other events are scheduled for next Monday) so they can still hold their game that night.

Your thoughts?

The Creature From The Burrito - Chapter 3

2009-04-01T10:36:00.003-06:00

Before I start, I'd like you all to know that I think I've kicked this writer's block thingamajigger. Also, the sauna worked, and I'm back to my old self. So, without further delay, I give you CHAPTER 3.

Chapter 3

Goat turned of the car as they reached their destination. It was nighttime now, so they decided to camp in the parking lot before starting their trek the next day. The forecast for the next few days showed little chance of rain, so they decided to sleep under the stars that night.

As they grabbed their resting sacks, Goat mentioned something about being glad that he didn’t have to pull out his tent tonight. Hairy was cursing under her breath because she had forgotten her shaving gel. Smells was a few yards away trying to get some flatulence out of his system before turning in for the night.

Ernie, though, was paying little attention to everyone else. He thought to himself, How could I just snarff down that burrito like that? I was drawn to that stand as if I had no other choice… A mini-debate was going on in his head as he tried to rationalize with himself why he was so impulsive with getting that burrito. At least he thought he was debating in his head until he looked up and saw that the other three were quietly staring at him while he muttered to himself.

“You had another burrito at the gas station, Ernie?” asked Hairy, “I thought you just got some turkey jerky or something.” Ernie had to think quick, they wouldn’t believe me since the vendor disappeared right after I finished the burrito. “No, no, no, you must have misheard me. My stomach’s not feeling well, and I think it’s from those burritos we ate at lunch,” replied Ernie. “But we didn’t buy those from a street vendor, and I distinctly heard you say something about a mysterious street vendor,” interrupted Smells.

Ernie couldn’t think of anything to counter Smells, so he answered “You guys won’t believe me, but…,” Ernie started, as he recounted his experience with the crazy comfort room, the bodacious burrito, and the vanishing vendor. “That’s impossible,” said Hairy, “I saw you across the street – BY YOURSELF, ALONE, SOLO!”

“I knew you wouldn’t believe me, but it really did happen, and it was the best darn burrito I have ever had the pleasure of tasting,” Ernie replied.

“Assuming this really did happen (and we all know what assuming does), how are you feeling now?” questioned Smells. “If there’s anything I know about, it’s upset stomachs and frothiness. I’m worried you might have food poisoning because you look kind of pale.”

“I think I’m okay. I mean, my stomach’s rumbling and all, but it’s not a sick feeling. I can’t really explain it, but it’s kind of like when your stomach’s full of water and you can kind of feel it sloshing around combined with that butterfly feeling you get when you’re nervous. I really do think I’m fine, it’s more that I’m weirded out by the taco guy disappearing and all. I should be good-to-go tomorrow after a night’s sleep in the clear air out here. The Namnama area sure is beautiful and serene.”

Goat replied, “If our trip is ruined by having to go home early simply because of your burrito fetish, I swear I’ll…”

“You wouldn’t do anything to Ernie,” snapped Hairy.

“Of course I wouldn’t do anything, that was simply my lame attempt at lightening the mood,” said Goat with a smirk as he ran over to Smells and put him in a headlock. He quickly released though, as it was still quite apparent that Smells was still digesting lunch from earlier that day.

Updates

2009-03-17T14:57:00.003-06:00

For all of you that are fans of my "Creature From the Burrito" saga, I just thought I'd let you know that I am working on the next few chapters. Unfortunately, I (like most writers do at some point) am experiencing a mild case of writer's block. Combine that with some carpal tunnel along with hairy knuckles, and you can see my perdicament.
The Good News:
When I was diagnosted, they informed me that I am one of the lucky ones, as my condition is not terminal. As long as I follow my perscription of Dr. Pepper and spicy foods, I should be able to kick this thing and get back to writing. Apparently, the 23 flavors (thanks Sean)have some sort of reaction with spices which cleanse the brain - sort of like a detox (or so says Dr. Quinn). Anyway, it feels like it's already working, so more chapters should be forthcoming.
The Bad News:
By writing this post, I have used up any creativity I may have gained by going through my detox program. This is a major setback, and I have no idea how long it will take me to regain my now-lost progress.
The Other Bad News:
My detox program has an awefully awkward side affect, as you can see by my picture.

I recently won a chili cook-off contest, and it was my first time ever making chili.

2009-03-10T09:59:00.002-06:00

Is Everybody Having A Good Time?

2009-03-10T09:59:00.001-06:00

Hello Everyone

2009-03-10T09:58:00.000-06:00

Random Photos

2009-02-10T09:45:00.005-07:00

Just a few of the things that have been going on lately. Janie eats food now (she had carrots yesterday), Kyra likes to dress up, and Sammy had a blast at the auto expo. I'm not trying to play favorites with Sammy or anything, but I wanted to post the expo pics.

Caramel Apple Upside-down French Toast

2009-01-29T09:18:00.004-07:00

I've decided to come out of the pantry, and declare my food hobby. Ever since I was a kid, I remember coming up with food concoctions. By concoctions, I mostly mean milkshakes and sandwiches. For the most part, as far as I remember, my creations were edible. (NOTE: Bologna and sprouts, seasoned with a little ketchup, between two slices of bread does NOT translate into a tasty sandwich.) Nowadays, I would love to come up with an extravagant meal for the family, but am often content to simply whip up something quick and tasty to satisfy me. Good food has always interested me, though, and thanks to the wonders of cable television, I now have access to the Food Network. I shamefully must admit that other than Jazz games, I probably watch food shows the most. I know I just said I’m usually making something quick and easy, but every once-in-a-while I am possessed by the right combination of ingredients, stamina and desire to create a meal. Recently, I watched a show that gave me this recipe for some fancy French toast. I tried it out on my new cast iron skillet I got for Christmas, and it turned out pretty good.

Follow me, now, on my journey to some ultimate French toast:

First, I made a simple caramel sauce (butter, brown sugar, and cream), and added some dried cranberries and pecans.

I then added a layer of sliced apples, and spinkled on some cinnamon and brown sugar.

The apples were then covered with a couple slices of bread soaked in my french toast batter (ingrediants not revealed) and into the oven to bake.

This is what it looked like after it was done baking.

This was the tricky part. I pressed the skillet against a cookie sheet and then had to do a little whoop-dee-doo (a.k.a. flip the pan over), to get the goodness out of the skillet. Just look at that sweetness. It goes great with a ham and cheese omlet. Well, I hope you all enjoyed this magical mystery tour. Until next time. Adieu.

Prophetic Blogger

2009-01-20T15:49:00.005-07:00

Those of you that have been with me from the begining may remember that my 2nd entry explained how I would have links to "other" blogs while I was trying to figure out, and I quote, "how in the heck to make my own blog." Well, although I will never claim this to be perfect, I believe I have pretty much figured out the gist of this whole blogging thing.

I realize that some of you may be offended. Let's be honest, though, how many of you have actually used those links from my blog anyway? I believe 94.8% of you would say you've never used my links. The other 4.2% are lying (with 1% left to variance). Though you won't admit it, but once you view this blog, there's no reason to view another. Also, judging by the thousands of comments I get on my posts, it would be a near-full-time job just updating the links list. Half of those are invite-only blogs as well, so if you were to spite me and try to link to another blog, I would likely be leading you on a wild goose chase anyway.

So, I have decided to fulfill my own prophecy. The Other Blogs Less Interesting Than This One section of my blog has now been and forever will be removed.

Here's some pics:

Rickey Henderson

2009-01-13T08:23:00.002-07:00

I’m not entirely sure when or how it all started, but it was in the late 80s when I got my first intro to Rickey Henderson. As a youth I was just getting into baseball, both as a player in little league and a fan. My earliest recollection of a World Series was in 1989, when the A’s sweep of the near-by San Fransisco Giants was overshadowed by the earthquake. At the time the A’s were a very good team, with a young nucleus of power hitters Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco, and Rickey Henderson had just rejoined the team after a stint with the Yankees. Since Utah had/has no major league team, I naturally latched onto the team that was the best at the time. The A’s were world champions, and they were now my team.
Next on the agenda was to find a favorite player. This part is a little fuzzy to me, but I went to a local store to get a poster. Considering my naivety, my brother was (at the time) a sports’ guru compared to me. My goal was to get a “cool” poster, preferably one sports related, but I was flexible. As I was flipping through the posters, I remember noticing a Karl Malone poster and a Bash Brothers poster of Jose and Mark. Then, another A’s player poster showed up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t know who he was at the time, but if he had a poster, he must be good – Rickey Henderson was his name.
My brother probably informed me that he was a really good player, that he was fast, and inherently skilled at stealing bases. That was enough for me, I was sold.
Over the years, I would collect Rickey’s baseball cards wherever I could. It got to the point that, even though my team was still the A’s, I cheered for whatever team Rickey was on, Toronto, San Diego, New York, Anaheim, Seattle, Boston, Los Angeles, and several return trips to Oakland. I loved learning about Rickey’s accomplishments. My Sunday morning ritual would be: put some Eggo waffles in the toaster, grab the paper, pull out the sports section, and quickly scan to see what Rickey’s year-to-date stats were while meticulously eating my Eggos. You can probably bet my excitement when I found out that Rickey’s minor-league record for stolen bases in a single game happened on my birthday. Even after the lockout almost completely destroyed my passion for MLB, the fact that Rickey was still playing kept me a fan.
Congrats to Rickey for being called to the Hall of Fame.

Some Pics of the Kiddies

2008-12-29T14:29:00.006-07:00

So, I've come to the realization that many of the people who view this blog are more interested in seeing pics of the kids, rather than sampling my literary style. So, I've decided to get a few more pics up for you all, in an attempt to save this blog. Unfortunately, our camera was misplaced over Christmas, so I don't have any pictures of the holidays.

The Office Quote of the Day

2008-12-18T17:36:00.002-07:00

Let me describe the perfect date: I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her... now he wants to fight- so I grab him- I throw him into the jukebox! Then the other ninja's got a knife, he comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now. I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss... I hear something in the leaves, I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time... but I knew. Dwight Schrute..from the episode in season one where the purse lady comes to sell stuff.

Baby Come Back

2008-12-04T16:29:00.003-07:00

It is a sad, sad day for me. The Jeep is sold. Seeing how the guy isn't picking it up until tonight, I may be being a little bit presumptuous. Nevertheless, my heart is full, and I can barely hold back the tears. Oh, the memories, the memories. Despite the fact that it has been sitting on the side of my house for the better part of a year, it will always hold a special place in my heart - right next to the fat wad of cash I got for selling it. Like someone once said, "When a door closes, open up a window to let the sunshine in."

The Creature From the Burrito - Chapter 2

2008-11-18T12:09:00.006-07:00

I know, I know, it's been a long-time coming for this next step in the burrito saga. I would like to apologize for the delay in getting out another chapter, but my publisher and I have been battling over whether I should keep writting on the blog, or go straight to print. My argument is that in this day and age where so many things are available online, I'd get more publicity by using my blog. So with out further delay, here is Chapter 2.

Ernie, Hairy, and Smells started rummaging through the convenience store while Goat paid for the gasoline. “Got anything good to eat around here?” asked Goat as he slipped the cashier a twenty. “Well, normally there’s the taco stand across the street, but the guy who runs the place has been missing for a few days now. It’s a bit odd, because he sets up his stand on the corner there and hasn’t missed a day for years. Now, he hasn’t shown up for three or four days, and noone’s seen or heard from him. He had the best tacos and burritos around…”

“Where’s the comfort room?” interrupted Ernie.

“It’s around back. Here’s the key. Just make sure you jiggle the handle when you flush, the toilet’s been acting up, and it’ll run all night if you don’t.”

Ernie could hear the cashier explaining the assortment of quick eats the store had to offer as he walked out side. A cool breeze brushed passed Ernie, sending a slight chill down his back. When he neared the bathroom door, a delicious aroma filled his nostrils, letting him know that there were burritos near. I just had a burrito for lunch Ernie thought to himself. Besides, I’d never hear then end of it from the guys.

After his trip to the comfort room proved to be uneventful-yet-successful, Ernie remembered he forgot to jiggle the handle on the toilet. “Oh, bother,” Ernie muttered to himself as he turned around to go jiggle the toilet. As he walked back to the comfort room, Ernie noticed what looked like the silhouette of a taco stand in the shadows. I thought the cashier told Goat that the taco guy was missing, Ernie thought as he approached the stand to see if anyone was there.

“Would you like a taco or a burrito?” asked a man who seemed to appear out of nowhere. The man spoke with a peculiar accent that Ernie couldn’t quite recognize, and had an eerily high pitch to his voice. His unkempt hair was a mix of red and white. His skin was pale, and he had a long, lurpy frame. It appeared that his outfit was from a thrift store, and he had an old, musky smell to him. Normally, this appearance would have turned Ernie away, but the wondrous aroma of burritos put him in such a trance, he wondered if he was hypnotized.

Even though he had just had a burrito for lunch, Ernie found that the only words he could utter were, “I’ll take one, please.” “Many thanks,” replied the vendor as he handed over a foil-wrapped burrito. Before he knew it, half the burrito was down his throat, and Ernie was shoving whatever else he could of the burrito into his mouth whenever a little space cleared up after a swallow. As he swallowed the last bit, he turned and said, “Are you the guy that’s been missing for a few…” Ernie realized that the guy and taco stand were gone, nowhere to be found.

As he stood there pondering what had just taken place, Ernie thought, That was perhaps the BEST burrito I have ever had. It’s probably best that I ate it so fast so I won’t get any flack from the guys for having another burrito today. But where could that guy have gone?

"What’re you doing over there, Ernie?” Hairy shouted from across the street. “I thought I saw the taco guy that’s been missing,” Ernie replied. It was partially true, but he conveniently left out the part about eating an uber delicious burrito. “Well, hurry up and get some food so we can get going. We’re all ready to go.”

Ernie ran back across the street, and went back inside the convenience store to grab something to eat. He was full, of course, from the burrito, but didn’t want to look too suspicious, so he grabbed some jerky and a juice. As he paid for his food, a weird rumble rolled through his stomach. Probably just indigestion or something, he thought. “What does the taco guy look like?” Ernie asked curiously. “Oh, Pepito? Why, did you see him? He’s a short guy with dark hair. He’s got this huge mole on his right forearm…” Ernie didn’t hear the rest of what the cashier was saying because all he could think about was his stomach rumbling and that the mystery man who sold him the burrito was definitely not the local taco man.

As they drove off, Smells asked “You all right there, Ernie? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Ernie just stared out the window. “Ernie!” nudged Smells, “you okay?!?” “Yeah,” replied Ernie, scrambling to come up with something to say. “I, I just forgot to jiggle the toilet handle like the guy asked me to. That guy is going to be T-O’d.” They all laughed as Goat said, “Let’s just hope I have enough gas that we don’t have to stop there on the way back.”

New Era

2008-10-21T17:28:00.006-06:00

So begins a new chapter in my life. I have officially separated from my former employer and have embarked on a new career as an environmental engineer. Sure there will be some things that I miss such as the practical jokes we would play on each other at the office. I have decided, for your benefit, to describe some of the jokes we used to play on each other. These may not be as funny as some of the pranks Jim plays on Dwight in The Office, but they produced some good laughs in their own right. I will also admit that I was not always the culprit in these jokes, but sometimes the victim. I have divided the pranks into categories:

Rubber bands

-I used to love to sneak up behind certain people that were, let’s say “jumpy”, and fire a rubber band right past their head and have it hit their computer monitor. Unfortunately, the velocity I liked to use for firing the rubber bands had a linear effect on the accuracy of my aim.

-Sometimes I’d try to knock over a coworker’s cup that was used to store sunflower seeds. When I succeeded, there was usually a plethora of seeds that needed picking up afterwards.

-Then there were the random targets I’d try to hit. This wasn’t so much of a prank as it was more of target practice. I always felt bad if the target happened to be someone’s arm or head.

Computers

-If I remember right, this is the joke that started it all. One day I was messing around, and found out how to rotate the computer screen display. Although simple to rectify if one knows how, it was a nasty trick if you didn’t know how to correct it. When the display was upside down, if you pushed upwards on the mouse, the mouse would go to the bottom of the screen because that’s where the “top” of the display was. The first time I did this, I happened to call in sick the next morning, and later found out that my “victim” sat at his desk for an hour or two trying to figure out how to fix it.

-Another prank that was fun to do is get random photos of coworkers, photoshop their heads onto funny pictures, and email the new-and-improved pictures to everyone else in the office. Let’s just say that I was a victim of this more than once.

Telephones

-Our phone system had this intercom system, where you could go straight to someone else’s speaker with out having their phone ring or have them answer. Needless to say, if someone got caught napping at their desk, they had a rude awakening.

In conclusion, these may sound lame to some of you out there, but a good joke or prank can lighten almost anyone’s work-day, just make sure the prankee can take it.

She Who Shall Not Be Named

2008-08-28T14:21:00.002-06:00

Well, our little princess has arrived. I will not mention her name because I don't want any random stalkers knowing who our daughter is. Actually, we are slacker parents, and we simply haven't decided on a name yet. Everything went uber well, and mom and baby are doing great. Here's a few pics to quench your thirst. As you can see, one of the kids is a little more excited about having a sister than the other - I'll leave it up to you to figure out which one.

Invaders Game

2008-08-06T08:10:00.002-06:00

Thought I might add a little flare to the blog. Try this classic game to ease your mind of your daily troubles.

The not-just-famous, but IN-famous Lagoon Story

2008-08-05T15:09:00.004-06:00

All right, clones, you’ve all be waiting for this so here it is (in the form of a poem):

Here’s a story about Lagoon
It’s about to make me look like a buffoon
This really isn’t much of a story
So I will try to give it some glory

As we walked to get in line for the Mouse Trap
An idea hit me like a lightning zap
I would use my skillz to win a prize
One that would please my kids with its large dimensions

I yelled to my companions “Come one, come all.”
“Watch me win a prize with a basketball!”
As I handed the lad my money,
I knew my shot would be sweet as bee nectar.

The ball left my hands with ease
Yet I knew my shot would not please
As I watched my shot move wide
The ball promptly bounced of the rim’s edge

Oh No! My money is wasted.
Alas, victory would not be tasted
But wait! My shot followed a new course
Which quickly erased any remorse

Through the adjacent rim my shot was made
Only once has a shot had me more amazed
As I looked at the lad who was just a beginner
His mouth opened wide and declared “We have a winner.”

A Spurs teddy bear was my claim
But the bear’s décor put me to shame
A Jazz bear would have been sweet
But now, the Spurs bear will feel the bottom of my cleat

Now, as my story is done,
I hope you realize what a wonderful prize I won
Softly roars the ocean floor
I hope this poem didn’t bore

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I intentionally made some of the words not rhyme.

Just Call Me Mr. Simpson

2008-06-24T22:45:00.004-06:00

So, I don't like to brag, but my work's been having a softball tourney. Our company is divided into four units or divisions, and each unit has a team where we play each other at lunchtime on Tuesdays and Thursdays. When we were up to bat I had a feeling come over me, like an uncontrollable nervousness and excitement at the same time. I quickly realized the last time I had this feeling was right before I came within inches of getting a hole-in-one last sumer. I knew something great was about to happen. I leaned over to my friend and told him "I feel a homer is coming..." His expression let me know that he was waiting for me to finish the sentence. So I quickly added "from you." (I didn't want to sound too cocky or anything).

Well, my first time up resulted in a hit, which pleased me but left me wanting more. My second time up, the first pitch was a little high and outside - the perfect spot for letting me extend and get a little upward motion in my swing.

When I hit it, it looked like it would go midway into the outfield and be an easy catch for the outfielder. To my astonishment, it just kept carrying and the fielder kept backing up. Before I knew it, it was over the fence and I was circling the bases.

Our guy from marketing just happened to take a picture of the historic moment.

Chow

Explanations and Excuses

2008-06-21T09:33:00.003-06:00

For the few of you who actually read this post, you may be curious as to what madness prompted me to create my last post. Well, I've always wanted to write a book, so here's my chance. I'm not sure whether or not I will finish the book on the blog or just go straight to the publishers, so we'll see. Oh, and by the way, Bernadette (aka Hairy) is in fact a female.

For all you people wondering when I'll add some more pics, here you go. P.S. The first picture of Kyra is to commemorate that after two years of life, she finally let Krista do her hair.

The Creature From the Burrito - Chapter 1

2008-06-14T08:51:00.007-06:00

"Hold on!" yelled Dwight, "I'll be right there!" Dwight's hiking buddies were honking outside his house, ready to go. Dwight ran over his checklist one last time to make sure his backpack was set and ready to go. The last thing Dwight wanted was to forget something for his week-long hiking trip. As soon as he had finished his final check, he swung his pack over his shoulder and ran out the door. "It's about time, Ernie, we're all waiting on you!"

Dwight and his crew all had nicknames for each other. Dwight's was Ernie because he wasn't in the best of shape, and after a long hike, he would start wheezing in a manner that was strikingly similar to Ernie's laugh from Sesame Street. The other members of the foursome were Billy (Goat), Francis (Smells), and Bernadette (Hairy).

The trek to the Mountains of Namnama was about a day's drive from their hometown of Paniqui. Their plan was to drive to the base and sleep in the parking lot, allowing them to get started on their trek early the next morning. After a few hours on the road, they decided to stop and grab a bite to eat. Dwight didn't hesitate before voicing that they should find a taco shack, and grab some burritos and cantelope.

"You always want burritos, Ernie," sighed Hairy. "Yeah, but you guys never agree with me on that, and so we never get to. If you think about it, when was the last time we got Mexican food?" "Try last Tuesday," quirped Goat. "Well, when was the last time before that?" "The day before!!!" chimed the other three. "Come on guys," pleaded Ernie, "I really could go for a burrito, plus cantelope is in season this time of year."

"All right, Ernie, if we go here for lunch, I don't want to hear about burritos for a month," conceded Smells. "Plus, you know what happens when I eat to many burritos."

After they had their fill of burritos and cantelope, they were back on their way. It wasn't too long before Smells started shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I knew you should have stopped at three burritos, Smells," Hairy sighed. "It's getting a little to musky in here for my liking."

"At least I only have to shave once a day!" sneered Smells. Everyone laughed as they noticed that Bernadette's five-o'clock-shadow was already filling in nice and thick, and it was barely passed mid-day. "It's not my fault I have a high testosterone level!" Hairy replied angrily. An awkward silence followed, as they drove in silence for the next few hours.

Dusk was approaching as they drove on. They were still about 120 kilometers from their destination when they saw the city lights of Suso, the last town they could get food and fuel at before they reached the Mountains of Namnama. Dwight asked, "Think we should stop for fuel and some grinders?"

They all agreed they could use some leg stretching and fresh air - they could only take so much of Smells's digestion issues. As they pulled into town, they saw a gas station with a mini-mart. As they pulled up to the gas pump, Dwight mumbled "I wonder if they have any burritos here....." They all chuckled as Goat turned off the engine.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

This is just uber!

2008-05-23T12:04:00.004-06:00

Some of the quasi-random stuff that goes on around the house.

Links

2008-05-16T12:52:00.000-06:00

Little by little I will update this. If, for some strange reason, you don't find this interesting, I have links to some other blogs. These "other" blogs might provide temporary enjoyment while I figure out how in the heck to make my blog my own. Once I've completed my task, I'll probably delete the link since it will probably never be used.

New Chapter

2008-05-05T22:01:00.000-06:00

Mark my words, this will be continued.