Toddler's Nose

NOTE*** This was supposed to be published back in September.  Apparantly, I only saved it without publishing, so I got two posts in before the new year.

Due to recent events, I have come to the conclusion that there shoud be a condition known as Toddler's nose.  My three-year-old has been doing this thing lately where she plugs her nose when she talks because she thinks it sounds funny.  I find it kind of amuzing myself, so when I hear her voice go weird, I don't really pay any attention to it.
The past week or so, I noticed her voice resonated the sound from a nose plug was not an occasional occurance, but rather a constant norm.  As I was changing her diaper the other night, I noticed something in her nostril, so I grabbed some tweezers to pull it out.
Turns out, she has been shoving toilet paper up her nose, and there was quite a bit of it lodged up there.  It had apparantly been there for quite some time because the t.p. was so saturated with snot that I couldn't pull it out with out it breaking into smaller pieces.
There's not too much more to this story, but just writing this is making me gag uncontrollably, so I'm going to stop here.

Poop Story

Though I am utterly repulsed by public restrooms, I use them daily at work. Yesterday was no exception. I was working yesterday, when it was time to take my daily deuce. So, I walked across to the other side of the building, took care of business and came back to my desk and sat down. Normally this would have been the end of the story.

However, upon sitting down, I heard a crumpling noise. I turned around to check out my arse, and found that the toilet condom (the tissue paper that you line the seat with), had stuck to me and was flailing out my pants like a beaver's tail.

My only saving grace is that, due to the holiday, there was hardly anyone working, and only 3-4 people at the most would have seen it. If they did, though, they were NOT kind enough to tell me, and let me continue on my way down the road of public humiliation.