Some Pics of the Kiddies

So, I've come to the realization that many of the people who view this blog are more interested in seeing pics of the kids, rather than sampling my literary style. So, I've decided to get a few more pics up for you all, in an attempt to save this blog. Unfortunately, our camera was misplaced over Christmas, so I don't have any pictures of the holidays.

The Office Quote of the Day

Let me describe the perfect date: I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her... now he wants to fight- so I grab him- I throw him into the jukebox! Then the other ninja's got a knife, he comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She's scared now. I take her home. I'm holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss... I hear something in the leaves, I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time... but I knew. Dwight Schrute..from the episode in season one where the purse lady comes to sell stuff.

Baby Come Back

It is a sad, sad day for me. The Jeep is sold. Seeing how the guy isn't picking it up until tonight, I may be being a little bit presumptuous. Nevertheless, my heart is full, and I can barely hold back the tears. Oh, the memories, the memories. Despite the fact that it has been sitting on the side of my house for the better part of a year, it will always hold a special place in my heart - right next to the fat wad of cash I got for selling it. Like someone once said, "When a door closes, open up a window to let the sunshine in."

The Creature From the Burrito - Chapter 2

I know, I know, it's been a long-time coming for this next step in the burrito saga. I would like to apologize for the delay in getting out another chapter, but my publisher and I have been battling over whether I should keep writting on the blog, or go straight to print. My argument is that in this day and age where so many things are available online, I'd get more publicity by using my blog. So with out further delay, here is Chapter 2.

Ernie, Hairy, and Smells started rummaging through the convenience store while Goat paid for the gasoline. “Got anything good to eat around here?” asked Goat as he slipped the cashier a twenty. “Well, normally there’s the taco stand across the street, but the guy who runs the place has been missing for a few days now. It’s a bit odd, because he sets up his stand on the corner there and hasn’t missed a day for years. Now, he hasn’t shown up for three or four days, and noone’s seen or heard from him. He had the best tacos and burritos around…”

“Where’s the comfort room?” interrupted Ernie.

“It’s around back. Here’s the key. Just make sure you jiggle the handle when you flush, the toilet’s been acting up, and it’ll run all night if you don’t.”

Ernie could hear the cashier explaining the assortment of quick eats the store had to offer as he walked out side. A cool breeze brushed passed Ernie, sending a slight chill down his back. When he neared the bathroom door, a delicious aroma filled his nostrils, letting him know that there were burritos near. I just had a burrito for lunch Ernie thought to himself. Besides, I’d never hear then end of it from the guys.

After his trip to the comfort room proved to be uneventful-yet-successful, Ernie remembered he forgot to jiggle the handle on the toilet. “Oh, bother,” Ernie muttered to himself as he turned around to go jiggle the toilet. As he walked back to the comfort room, Ernie noticed what looked like the silhouette of a taco stand in the shadows. I thought the cashier told Goat that the taco guy was missing, Ernie thought as he approached the stand to see if anyone was there.

“Would you like a taco or a burrito?” asked a man who seemed to appear out of nowhere. The man spoke with a peculiar accent that Ernie couldn’t quite recognize, and had an eerily high pitch to his voice. His unkempt hair was a mix of red and white. His skin was pale, and he had a long, lurpy frame. It appeared that his outfit was from a thrift store, and he had an old, musky smell to him. Normally, this appearance would have turned Ernie away, but the wondrous aroma of burritos put him in such a trance, he wondered if he was hypnotized.

Even though he had just had a burrito for lunch, Ernie found that the only words he could utter were, “I’ll take one, please.” “Many thanks,” replied the vendor as he handed over a foil-wrapped burrito. Before he knew it, half the burrito was down his throat, and Ernie was shoving whatever else he could of the burrito into his mouth whenever a little space cleared up after a swallow. As he swallowed the last bit, he turned and said, “Are you the guy that’s been missing for a few…” Ernie realized that the guy and taco stand were gone, nowhere to be found.

As he stood there pondering what had just taken place, Ernie thought, That was perhaps the BEST burrito I have ever had. It’s probably best that I ate it so fast so I won’t get any flack from the guys for having another burrito today. But where could that guy have gone?

"What’re you doing over there, Ernie?” Hairy shouted from across the street. “I thought I saw the taco guy that’s been missing,” Ernie replied. It was partially true, but he conveniently left out the part about eating an uber delicious burrito. “Well, hurry up and get some food so we can get going. We’re all ready to go.”

Ernie ran back across the street, and went back inside the convenience store to grab something to eat. He was full, of course, from the burrito, but didn’t want to look too suspicious, so he grabbed some jerky and a juice. As he paid for his food, a weird rumble rolled through his stomach. Probably just indigestion or something, he thought. “What does the taco guy look like?” Ernie asked curiously. “Oh, Pepito? Why, did you see him? He’s a short guy with dark hair. He’s got this huge mole on his right forearm…” Ernie didn’t hear the rest of what the cashier was saying because all he could think about was his stomach rumbling and that the mystery man who sold him the burrito was definitely not the local taco man.

As they drove off, Smells asked “You all right there, Ernie? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Ernie just stared out the window. “Ernie!” nudged Smells, “you okay?!?” “Yeah,” replied Ernie, scrambling to come up with something to say. “I, I just forgot to jiggle the toilet handle like the guy asked me to. That guy is going to be T-O’d.” They all laughed as Goat said, “Let’s just hope I have enough gas that we don’t have to stop there on the way back.”

New Era

So begins a new chapter in my life. I have officially separated from my former employer and have embarked on a new career as an environmental engineer. Sure there will be some things that I miss such as the practical jokes we would play on each other at the office. I have decided, for your benefit, to describe some of the jokes we used to play on each other. These may not be as funny as some of the pranks Jim plays on Dwight in The Office, but they produced some good laughs in their own right. I will also admit that I was not always the culprit in these jokes, but sometimes the victim. I have divided the pranks into categories:

Rubber bands

-I used to love to sneak up behind certain people that were, let’s say “jumpy”, and fire a rubber band right past their head and have it hit their computer monitor. Unfortunately, the velocity I liked to use for firing the rubber bands had a linear effect on the accuracy of my aim.

-Sometimes I’d try to knock over a coworker’s cup that was used to store sunflower seeds. When I succeeded, there was usually a plethora of seeds that needed picking up afterwards.

-Then there were the random targets I’d try to hit. This wasn’t so much of a prank as it was more of target practice. I always felt bad if the target happened to be someone’s arm or head.

Computers

-If I remember right, this is the joke that started it all. One day I was messing around, and found out how to rotate the computer screen display. Although simple to rectify if one knows how, it was a nasty trick if you didn’t know how to correct it. When the display was upside down, if you pushed upwards on the mouse, the mouse would go to the bottom of the screen because that’s where the “top” of the display was. The first time I did this, I happened to call in sick the next morning, and later found out that my “victim” sat at his desk for an hour or two trying to figure out how to fix it.

-Another prank that was fun to do is get random photos of coworkers, photoshop their heads onto funny pictures, and email the new-and-improved pictures to everyone else in the office. Let’s just say that I was a victim of this more than once.

Telephones

-Our phone system had this intercom system, where you could go straight to someone else’s speaker with out having their phone ring or have them answer. Needless to say, if someone got caught napping at their desk, they had a rude awakening.

In conclusion, these may sound lame to some of you out there, but a good joke or prank can lighten almost anyone’s work-day, just make sure the prankee can take it.

She Who Shall Not Be Named

Well, our little princess has arrived. I will not mention her name because I don't want any random stalkers knowing who our daughter is. Actually, we are slacker parents, and we simply haven't decided on a name yet. Everything went uber well, and mom and baby are doing great. Here's a few pics to quench your thirst. As you can see, one of the kids is a little more excited about having a sister than the other - I'll leave it up to you to figure out which one.

Invaders Game

Thought I might add a little flare to the blog. Try this classic game to ease your mind of your daily troubles.

The not-just-famous, but IN-famous Lagoon Story

All right, clones, you’ve all be waiting for this so here it is (in the form of a poem):

Here’s a story about Lagoon
It’s about to make me look like a buffoon
This really isn’t much of a story
So I will try to give it some glory

As we walked to get in line for the Mouse Trap
An idea hit me like a lightning zap
I would use my skillz to win a prize
One that would please my kids with its large dimensions

I yelled to my companions “Come one, come all.”
“Watch me win a prize with a basketball!”
As I handed the lad my money,
I knew my shot would be sweet as bee nectar.

The ball left my hands with ease
Yet I knew my shot would not please
As I watched my shot move wide
The ball promptly bounced of the rim’s edge

Oh No! My money is wasted.
Alas, victory would not be tasted
But wait! My shot followed a new course
Which quickly erased any remorse

Through the adjacent rim my shot was made
Only once has a shot had me more amazed
As I looked at the lad who was just a beginner
His mouth opened wide and declared “We have a winner.”

A Spurs teddy bear was my claim
But the bear’s décor put me to shame
A Jazz bear would have been sweet
But now, the Spurs bear will feel the bottom of my cleat

Now, as my story is done,
I hope you realize what a wonderful prize I won
Softly roars the ocean floor
I hope this poem didn’t bore

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I intentionally made some of the words not rhyme.

Just Call Me Mr. Simpson

So, I don't like to brag, but my work's been having a softball tourney. Our company is divided into four units or divisions, and each unit has a team where we play each other at lunchtime on Tuesdays and Thursdays. When we were up to bat I had a feeling come over me, like an uncontrollable nervousness and excitement at the same time. I quickly realized the last time I had this feeling was right before I came within inches of getting a hole-in-one last sumer. I knew something great was about to happen. I leaned over to my friend and told him "I feel a homer is coming..." His expression let me know that he was waiting for me to finish the sentence. So I quickly added "from you." (I didn't want to sound too cocky or anything).

Well, my first time up resulted in a hit, which pleased me but left me wanting more. My second time up, the first pitch was a little high and outside - the perfect spot for letting me extend and get a little upward motion in my swing.

When I hit it, it looked like it would go midway into the outfield and be an easy catch for the outfielder. To my astonishment, it just kept carrying and the fielder kept backing up. Before I knew it, it was over the fence and I was circling the bases.

Our guy from marketing just happened to take a picture of the historic moment.

Chow

Explanations and Excuses

For the few of you who actually read this post, you may be curious as to what madness prompted me to create my last post. Well, I've always wanted to write a book, so here's my chance. I'm not sure whether or not I will finish the book on the blog or just go straight to the publishers, so we'll see. Oh, and by the way, Bernadette (aka Hairy) is in fact a female.

For all you people wondering when I'll add some more pics, here you go. P.S. The first picture of Kyra is to commemorate that after two years of life, she finally let Krista do her hair.

The Creature From the Burrito - Chapter 1

"Hold on!" yelled Dwight, "I'll be right there!" Dwight's hiking buddies were honking outside his house, ready to go. Dwight ran over his checklist one last time to make sure his backpack was set and ready to go. The last thing Dwight wanted was to forget something for his week-long hiking trip. As soon as he had finished his final check, he swung his pack over his shoulder and ran out the door. "It's about time, Ernie, we're all waiting on you!"

Dwight and his crew all had nicknames for each other. Dwight's was Ernie because he wasn't in the best of shape, and after a long hike, he would start wheezing in a manner that was strikingly similar to Ernie's laugh from Sesame Street. The other members of the foursome were Billy (Goat), Francis (Smells), and Bernadette (Hairy).

The trek to the Mountains of Namnama was about a day's drive from their hometown of Paniqui. Their plan was to drive to the base and sleep in the parking lot, allowing them to get started on their trek early the next morning. After a few hours on the road, they decided to stop and grab a bite to eat. Dwight didn't hesitate before voicing that they should find a taco shack, and grab some burritos and cantelope.

"You always want burritos, Ernie," sighed Hairy. "Yeah, but you guys never agree with me on that, and so we never get to. If you think about it, when was the last time we got Mexican food?" "Try last Tuesday," quirped Goat. "Well, when was the last time before that?" "The day before!!!" chimed the other three. "Come on guys," pleaded Ernie, "I really could go for a burrito, plus cantelope is in season this time of year."

"All right, Ernie, if we go here for lunch, I don't want to hear about burritos for a month," conceded Smells. "Plus, you know what happens when I eat to many burritos."

After they had their fill of burritos and cantelope, they were back on their way. It wasn't too long before Smells started shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I knew you should have stopped at three burritos, Smells," Hairy sighed. "It's getting a little to musky in here for my liking."

"At least I only have to shave once a day!" sneered Smells. Everyone laughed as they noticed that Bernadette's five-o'clock-shadow was already filling in nice and thick, and it was barely passed mid-day. "It's not my fault I have a high testosterone level!" Hairy replied angrily. An awkward silence followed, as they drove in silence for the next few hours.

Dusk was approaching as they drove on. They were still about 120 kilometers from their destination when they saw the city lights of Suso, the last town they could get food and fuel at before they reached the Mountains of Namnama. Dwight asked, "Think we should stop for fuel and some grinders?"

They all agreed they could use some leg stretching and fresh air - they could only take so much of Smells's digestion issues. As they pulled into town, they saw a gas station with a mini-mart. As they pulled up to the gas pump, Dwight mumbled "I wonder if they have any burritos here....." They all chuckled as Goat turned off the engine.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

This is just uber!

Some of the quasi-random stuff that goes on around the house.

Links

Little by little I will update this. If, for some strange reason, you don't find this interesting, I have links to some other blogs. These "other" blogs might provide temporary enjoyment while I figure out how in the heck to make my blog my own. Once I've completed my task, I'll probably delete the link since it will probably never be used.

New Chapter

Mark my words, this will be continued.