Toddler's Nose

NOTE*** This was supposed to be published back in September.  Apparantly, I only saved it without publishing, so I got two posts in before the new year.

Due to recent events, I have come to the conclusion that there shoud be a condition known as Toddler's nose.  My three-year-old has been doing this thing lately where she plugs her nose when she talks because she thinks it sounds funny.  I find it kind of amuzing myself, so when I hear her voice go weird, I don't really pay any attention to it.
The past week or so, I noticed her voice resonated the sound from a nose plug was not an occasional occurance, but rather a constant norm.  As I was changing her diaper the other night, I noticed something in her nostril, so I grabbed some tweezers to pull it out.
Turns out, she has been shoving toilet paper up her nose, and there was quite a bit of it lodged up there.  It had apparantly been there for quite some time because the t.p. was so saturated with snot that I couldn't pull it out with out it breaking into smaller pieces.
There's not too much more to this story, but just writing this is making me gag uncontrollably, so I'm going to stop here.

Poop Story

Though I am utterly repulsed by public restrooms, I use them daily at work. Yesterday was no exception. I was working yesterday, when it was time to take my daily deuce. So, I walked across to the other side of the building, took care of business and came back to my desk and sat down. Normally this would have been the end of the story.

However, upon sitting down, I heard a crumpling noise. I turned around to check out my arse, and found that the toilet condom (the tissue paper that you line the seat with), had stuck to me and was flailing out my pants like a beaver's tail.

My only saving grace is that, due to the holiday, there was hardly anyone working, and only 3-4 people at the most would have seen it. If they did, though, they were NOT kind enough to tell me, and let me continue on my way down the road of public humiliation.

Biking is Dangerous

I don't remember the last time I did two posts on consecutive days, so this is a little out of the norm for me. 

A while back, I was training for a triathlon and had this little incident occur.  Well, I am training for another triathlon, and went for a little bike ride last night.  I was riding at a casual pace down by Riverton when, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a small object zipping towards me and nailed me just below the throat.  It hit me pretty good and I felt it drop into my shirt.  I assumed it was a small pebble that had been dislodged by a passing car.  However, I soon felt an intense stinging sensation on my chest.  I immediately grabbed my shirt at the location of the sting, and felt a little crunch between my fingers.  By this time I had stopped riding, and shook the object out of my shirt.  Sho'nuf, it was a bee and I was stung.

I wasn't sure what to do since I was several miles from home.  Then, I remember that my wife's sweet cousin (I'll call her Deb) lives pretty close to where I was at.  I wasn't sure if she'd be home, but I figured it was my best shot.  Luckily, I caught her just before she was going to leave.  I got a few ice cubes and went into the bathroom.  It's probably good that my chin blocked my view of the bee sting earlier because I had a big-old red spot on my chest.  If I'd have seen this on the street, I would have freaked out.  I put the ice on the area and the stinger came out just enough so that I could remove it with my fingers. 

Maybe this is a sign that I should stay away from triathlons in general; and, specifically, avoid biking...

Revenge of the Jes'Syth'

Unbeknownst to me until now, my blog has been slowly transforming into a foodie blog.  Ew.  I must rise above the ashes and avoid this trap.  Sure, I'll still post the occasional recipe here or Creature from the Burrito chapter there, but I need to get back to the basics.  That being said, this post is about food - sorry.

In one of my previous posts, I'm pretty sure that I wrote about how I was eating breakfast at work to save time in the mornings.  Well, as you may have guessed, I did not like the granola crap I tried, so I was doing the instant cream of wheat thing for a while.  I got creamed out, so for the past couple of weeks I've been doing cereal - Corn Pops to be precise.  GOTTA HAVE MY POPS!

Well, there is an office fridge on our floor, and in an effort to be considerate of space limitations, I will typically buy a pint of milk at the beginning of the week, which will last me a few bowls of cereal. That way I'm not a fridge hog by leaving a gallon in there.  Two days ago, I was arriving at work and put my lunch for the day in the fridge.  As I entered the breakroom, I noticed a guy from a different division putting some milk in his coffee mug.  My initial thought was "Hey, that looks like my milk!  No, he wouldn't be that rude to use someone else's milk..."  Sure enough, it was my milk.

As I got to my desk, fuming mad (by the time I realized it was mine, he had already left the room), I told my coworkers what happpened.  Almost all of them asked me if my name was on the container.  Apparantly, there is an unspoken rule in this building that if food is not labeled as belonging to someone, it is fair game.
I decided if people are going to do that, they are using food at their own risk.  There was still ample milk left, so I rationalized that the perpetrator would likely be a repeat offender.  Plus, if he did it, who knows if there are others that will use my milk as well.

Fortunately for me, I have a habbit of collecting condiments from food joints like ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, etc.  As a perused my condiment collection, I grew frustrated because all my stuff would alter the appearance of the milk.  At last, I found a salt packet.  In went the salt, and my milk was discretely returned to its spot in the fridge. 

I was practically giddy the next morning (yesterday) when I checked the milk status - more milk had been used since the salting.  I only wish I could have seen the reaction that happened when the criminal had some salted coffee.  Actually, enough milk was gone to lead me to believe that more than one person was privy to my special treat.

That made my day; nay, week.

PS - I have been known to post fake links in the past, but the three links are legit in this post.

Uber-dee-dooper Tastey and Easy Brownies.

If any of you have wondered how to make brownies with only 4 ingredients (5 if you count the non-stick cooking spray), I have found the solution.  Simply take a little bit of water and vegetable oil, along with 2 or three eggs, then mix in a box of your favorite brownie mix.  Yes folks, it's just that easy.  As a kicker, the brownie box even has the portion sizing for the other three ingredients.
Once the goop has been stirred 50 times with a wooden spoon (I usually do 53 or 54 stirs for good measure), simply put the mixture into a baking pan and bake for 30 minutes or so.

It can't get any easier than this.

Hijacking - It Can Happen To You

I am about to blog about something serious - hijacking.  I, whilst living in my naive world, was oblivious to the fact that I could have something hijacked.  Until recently, that is - when our camera was hijacked.  Want proof?  Here you go:

Who could have done such a thing?

Bear Naked Granola - A Couch Potato's Review

Forgive me if this post strays from topic a bit, but there is something I need to say - even if it means I'm blambling.  (Yes I just combined blog with rambling to come up with a new word).  Some of you have read and / or heard about my triathlon "experience."  If you have not, you can read about it here.  Well, believe it or not, I have been coerced into doing another one this summer.  I am scared spitless about doing it, and have been thinking about training (which is about on par with my training last summer).  I've actually been doing some blosearch (blog / research) to find some fitness training programs to get me ready.  One of the most common things I've blead (blog / read) is that a good diet is quasi-important.

One of my biggest weaknesses is fast food.  Even though I am sick of it, I eat it all the time for lunch.  Add that to the fact that I usually oversleep and frequently skip breakfast to get to work, my nutritional intake is in need of an overhaul.  The other day I was at the local grocer, and decided I'd try getting some breakfast food to keep at work so that I don't have to worry about eating before I leave.  As I was walking down the breakfast aisle, I picked up some Instant Cream of Wheat (TM) and noticed a section of "healthy" foods.  I saw roughly two, five-foot shelves with this granola cereal, and decided to take a closer look.

    *Blashback (blog / flashback) to my early teenage years.  While hanging out at my friend's house one day, we got kind of hungry.  He said we could have some chocolate granola cereal.  I probably acted like he was a loon, but he convinced me it was pretty good stuff.  If my memory serves correctly, it was homemade granola, and they had a five-gallon bucket of it.  We poured ourselves each a bowl, and I loved it. 

   *Blashforward (do I need to explain this anymore?) to present time.  I periodically will try a different granola cereal in hopes that I will find that great taste that I had so many years ago.  I don't do it very often because the stuff in the stores usually doesn't taste good and it's more expensive than Lucky Charms. 

Well, this granola caught my eye for three reasons: 1- it was on sale; b) they had chocolate flavor; and 4 - I had heard rave reviews about this brand in my blosearch.  I decided to try the vanilla almond and chocolate flavors. 

Let me tell you, they taste aweful - especially the chocolate.  I was confused.  Several blogs had nothing but great things to say about the stuff, yet I'm nearly gagging just blinking (blog / thinking - I think you're catching on now) about it.

Actually, it's not THAT bad, but I can think of several things I'd rather eat than this stuff.
So, I decided to go back to those blogs to see what I'm missing.  A few things come to mind.  First these bloggers are food/fitness bloggers and these types of companies will send them free samples to try and review.  If they're getting free food, of course they're going to write good things about it - that's just the world we live in.  Second, instead of eating it like a bowl of cereal as it's designed, they mix it with yogurt and all sorts of fruit.  This does two things:  minimizes the amount of granola they have to eat and uses other foods to mask the taste.
This gave me an idea: SUGAR.  What did I do as a kid when my cereal choices were cherios, wheaties or grape nuts?  I put sugar on it.  Also, instead of eating each granola individually, I decided to mix the two flavors to see if they would neutralize each other.  The combination of the two flavors and the sugar made the stuff edible. 
Fortunately, thanks to my ingenious ideas, I think I am getting my money's worth.  But this leads me to question the whole "healthy" foods schpiel.  Why not just add a little more sugar, spice and all things nice, and make the stuff yummy to begin with?
By the way, I'm sorry if you fell for my fake link again.  You can really see the triathlon catastraphe here.
Finally, this post has officially created several new words:  blambing, blosearch, blead, blashback, blashforward, and blinking.  I know blinking is already a word, but I redefined it.  Don't blag (blog / gag - yet another blord (blog / word)), I know you all are jealous you didn't think of this first.  I am on a bloll!
Peace Holla!

R.I.P.

 

“Bishop” Michael Roberto Mildenhall - loving husband, father, and brother in faith will pass on this Sunday, March 27, after succumbing to fulfillment of his calling.  Bishop was born April 3, 1976, although some say he was re-born with the formation of the 6^th ward, circa spring 2006.   He attended Granger High School, if that gives any clue as to what type of person he was.  His love for all was never more evident when he cheered his “professed” favorite college team, byu (yes it doesn’t even deserve to be capitalized).  A non-conformist from an early age, Bishop was secretly a Utah State Aggie fan and would do anything to mask his fondness for his beloved Aggies – just to maintain his image as Bishop.  Whether it be violently shoving one of his closest friends (who is an avid Aggie fan, mind you) prior to a basketball game so hard that it knocked him over and split open his chin, or his mockery of Wild Bill, many people outside his inner circle would think he was repulsed by the Aggies.  However, upon closer inspection, why would a cougar fan have the ward’s first young men’s presidency entirely composed of Aggies?  Plus, the president of this presidency, who also happens to be his basketball victim, would later become his counselor in the bishopric.  In a desperate attempt to prevent any misconception, he stooped to an all-time-low by calling a Wyoming Cowboy as his other counselor.  In all actuality, though, all one needed to do was peek inside his office and see the walls plastered with photos of Wild Bill to know of his love for quality sports.

Bishop was always the hippest, the coolest, and the one who didn't fit any regular pigeon-hole.  He was a hard man to figure out.  He’d nearly faint at the mere mention of blood, yet there was no hesitation in him when it came to gutting fish at scout camp for the young men he so dutifully served.  He claimed to be able to catch fish at Scout Lake with the best of ‘em, and after a few hours of fishing he once came back with 5 or 6 fish.  Even though no one was there to witness it, he said he caught them himself; however, reports at the end of camp stated that a tall man with impeccably parted hair and a byu shirt was stealing fish from other scout troops… He was able to find a comfort zone in most any group or environment, except for grassy meadows on a pioneer trek.  Knowing full well of his allergies, his attempt at completing the pioneer trek showed truly how great of a man was in our midst.  After one night of misery, he was spotted the second morning rubbing grass in his eyes and mouth to enhance his symptoms and was able to leave early – this is just one sample of how desperate he could become.  

He was a simple man, with simple pleasures.  On clear days in winter he would search the skies looking for dragons.  In contrast, on a hot day in the summer, he would be content chasing down cars and throwing water bottles at them.  He was an accomplished make-up artist and poet.  He was good at it, but that didn't mean he wanted to do much of it. He had other affairs to tend to, such as writing songs and music.  Bishop's passing to a rising full moon has left many relatives and friends at a loss.   However, if people want to find him, it is said that on the night of a full moon he can be found riding a famous bull in Logan, UT.  He is survived by his two sons and two daughters, Jimmer, Jimmero, Jimmerrette, and Jimmetta; wife, Joni; numerous relatives; and countless, thankful ward members who will always remember and appreciate the love and devotion he spent towards them. Thank you all for being a part of Bishop's life. He loved all of you so much. There will be a celebration in his basement Saturday March 26, at the time of the Butler / byu basketball game.  Hope you can all make it!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone.  This year was filled with significant events, yet none so significant perhaps as the fact that I participated in No-shave November.  Actually, I don't know if participate is the right word because in my mind participate involves more than one person.  Sure, there were likely countless others who participated in No-shave November besides me, but I wasn't directly involved with their "contest."
The significance in going a whole month without shaving my beard is that, although I look ruggedly handsome with a beard, I cannot stand it when my facial hair starts to itch, and this usually happens by about week two of a beard growing cycle.  It gets so itchy that I'm constantly scratching my cheeks.
However, I finally did it, and much to my dismay, the itchiness never went away.  So I shaved some handsome handlebars, but they weren't so handsome after I realized they weren't symmetrical, so I opted to sport the stache for the better part of a week and a half.
Here is the cycle:
Beard

 'Bars

 Stache

The real significance of making it through No-Shave November is because only someone manly enough to grow a beard can handle a sandwich like this - mmmmmmmmmmmm.